227 Comments
User's avatar
Joan the Dork's avatar

Ah yes, the King James Version- for when you really need more lovely purple prose to dress up a book full of rape and genocide.

I'd call it lipstick on a pig, but let's face it- the pig's gonna win that beauty pageant.

NoOne of Consequence's avatar

Also, if I'm not mistaken, wasn't the KJV written with an explicit political agenda? As in openly, not trying to hide it like some of the others. Heh.

Bensnewlogin's avatar

1. There is no Lord my God. I don't have a God.

2. Except for Ryan Reynolds. I put him before any mythical creature.

3. I like the idea of of Ryan Reynolds before me. Use your imagination

4. I Have photographs of Ryan Reynolds. Statues don't do him justice.

5. God dammit, where is Ryan Reynolds?

6. The last time Ryan was over, we slept in on Sunday. It was quite holey.

7. I did not invite my father and mother over on that day, mostly because they're dead.

8. Neither Ryan nor I actually have the slightest desire to kill anybody, although a little maiming for certain Republicans will probably not be out of order.

9. My husband says it's all right for me to commit adultery with Ryan Reynolds.

10. Ryan is super rich. We don't need to steal anything, except some sweet moments together

11. Talk about bearing false witness! Blake lively claims that she's married to my Ryan.

12. I don't covet Ryan's house. He doesn't even live near me. Besides, he's Canadian.

13. Although Ryan technically isn't my neighbor, there are a few things of his that I covet. At least in a different translation, I do covet his donkey.

There you go, the 10 Commandments, courtesy of a Texas education.

Bensnewlogin's avatar

That is SAINT FLOOZÉ to you, buster! And if you're going to use my name, at least spell it correctly. It's FRENCH!

Boreal's avatar

This is Murica, we don't need any elitist, fancy, french floozy spellings here, mister.

Bensnewlogin's avatar

And yet, you give me that fancy French floozy spelling with an extra syllable. Damned hypocrite!

It's MURKA!

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

Ahem 🤬

* Si vous me cherchez, je suis partie bouder avec un roman yaoi*

Bensnewlogin's avatar

Quelle Dommage! Ryan y moi, nous voyons verser des larmes pour toi.

poor, poor toi.

Whitney's avatar

Amazing how often Christians tell us the Old Testament is just history and doesn't apply anymore, but then turn right around and try to push Old Testament rules on the rest of society at large.

And since we're on the subject, perhaps some of our local Christians would like to take a moment to explain why "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor" only applies to non-Christians, but when a Christian lies to a non-Christian it's perfectly fine?

cdbunch's avatar

I doubt we'll hear from Mr. Graf on either of today's articles.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Funny how that is... ;)

larry parker's avatar

I'm reminded that Paul said lying for Jesus is ok.

I didn't know where to put this comment. It answers your question but was prompted by cd's reply below. : )

NOGODZ20's avatar

This could be a standalone comment. :)

Boreal's avatar

Build the wall! Around Texas and FL.

cdbunch's avatar

That leaves you Arkansas and the second biggest liar in the country.

Donrox's avatar

No cdbunch. I'm in exile in Arkansas, luckily in a nice blue pocket. But my daughter and her husband work for a university, and I have two grandsons. Plus Memphis, a bright spot in in the cesspool of Tennessee is right across the bridge.

I beg you cdbunch: don't wall us off! We'll take care of the smoky eyed Succubus in Little Rock!

Guerillasurgeon's avatar

I thought Bugs Bunny had already taken care of Florida.

NOGODZ20's avatar

He should've gone further north and sawed away the entire bible belt.

Matilda's avatar

I love the idea of sending in the 10 commandments in arabic. I think it was when there were major demonstrations in London against UK involvement in the Iraqi wars three decades or so ago that a guy who obviously looked 'foreign,' held up a poster written in arabic with an arrow on it. Underneath it had the translation in small print. 'Don't worry, it just says 'This way to McDonalds.'

ericc's avatar

Actually, it just occurred to me that of printing it in arabic, hebrew, or spanish, you might troll conservatives more with that third one than the either two. Particularly if you donated it with a note that said "here, we made sure it was in a language most Texans can read."

Karen B. Jones's avatar

Aramaic would also work.

ericc's avatar

Even sending it in Hebrew would likely insense your average Texas evangelical. The Judeo part of Judeo-Christian is supposed to get lip service only, no *actual* respect or regard.

Troublesh00ter's avatar

𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝐴𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡.

-- Aron Ra

And yet MORE BS from Texas, determined to entrench Christianity as its state religion and vitiate the doctrine of separation of state and church. I FULLY expect Texas to get some SERIOUS blowback from the FFRF, American Atheists, and the ACLU, at minimum.

And somehow, I doubt I'll be disappointed.

Joe King's avatar

Two stories today showing why Tex-ass needs that extra s.

NoOne of Consequence's avatar

I say we let them secede. Do they really have anything we need more than we don't need the outsized influence they have on our schools? Shit, if we move from fossil fuels all they'll have is beers, steers and... uh, Cruz.

NoOne of Consequence's avatar

Ted Cruz? Oh shit, he is. Well, at least he'll never be president.

cdbunch's avatar

One of his parents was a U.S. Citizen, so unless you're black, that makes you a natural born citizen.

NOGODZ20's avatar

"Too many people are claiming to be Americans. Alaskans. Hawaiians. Californians. It's disgraceful!"

-- a Southern politician (Senator Fussmussen) in the first Rocky & Bullwinkle story "Jet Fuel Formula" (the pol was trying to introduce a bill that would make gaining US citizenship even tougher).

(Keep in mind: When this story first aired, Alaska and Hawaii had just been admitted into the Union) :)

A.Gnosticthefirst's avatar

To the everlasting shame of Canada :)

oraxx's avatar

There are perfectly good secular justifications for outlawing murder and robbery. In certain circumstances it can be illegal to lie, such as when giving sworn testimony. Everything else in the Ten Commandments is religious dogma, and would be unconstitutional should anyone try writing them into law. Conservative Christians can NEVER stop trying to mark their territory in the public schools paid for by everyone's tax dollars. They can never stop trying to sell the fiction our system of government is somehow based on the Commandments.

Joe King's avatar

The first half isn't just religious dogma, it's an ego stroke for Yahweh.

cdbunch's avatar

Any being, deity or mortal, insecure enough to want worship, doesn't deserve it.

Donrox's avatar

Keep the Sabbath holy? No problem! I have kept SATURDAY holy for all life, as in holy day=holiday.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Friday night to Saturday night is the whole-iest time of the week when you're unfettered by religious belief.

Old Man Shadow's avatar

How about we put up "Blessed are the peacemakers..." or "Love your neighbor as yourself" or "love your enemies"? Or other good ideas from other famous figures? American Christianity really loves OT fire and brimstone god and doesn't like Jesus very much.

Joan the Dork's avatar

This is the only "peacemaker" you'll find in Texas: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/36/1956prime2.jpg

I wouldn't be half surprised if there were a priest or two down there who blessed guns as a side hustle, though.

cdbunch's avatar

I don't know about priests, but I bet I can throw a stone and hit a baptist preacher who does.

Joan the Dork's avatar

Oh please do, it might knock some sense into them! Or knock them out, which I suppose is just as good.

OwossoHarpist's avatar

Yeah. Just look inside any creationist publication along with every creationist attraction, including Dumb Idiot Ken Ham's putrid attractions, and you'll find a ton of such fire and brimstone talk in there and much less "God is love" in there.

Boreal's avatar

OT:

I hope the Count of Mostly Crisco's 34 felony indictments are just the beginning of charges for him.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Go ahead, Trump. Repeat what you said years ago, but to prosecutors this time:

"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose any voters, OK?"

(in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson: "Say that again, muthafucka! Say that again!")

larry parker's avatar

I can't wait for a transcript of his speech tonight. I'm not going to watch, but I will read about him incriminating himself.

Maltnothops's avatar

I can’t stand to listen to him for more than a few seconds. And I count on Seth Meyers, Jimmy Kimmel, and Steven Colbert to identify those few seconds for me.

Lynn James's avatar

That goes triple for me. The sound of that man's voice sets my teeth on edge and send my blood pressure through the roof. Seth, Jimmy, and Stephen do very nicely for all I need to know about what that orange shitgibbon spews out of his hateful, nasty pie hole.

Joan the Dork's avatar

Here's the indictment, if anyone's interested: https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/23741570-new-york-v-trump-indictment

34 felony counts of Falsifying Business Records in the First Degree. How very like Chump, right? He found a crime he liked... then he committed it 33 more times because he has no fucking imagination. #𝘚𝘢𝘥.

NOGODZ20's avatar

A sentiment shared by many here.

larry parker's avatar

34 coats of Crisco are too much. There won't be any room left for the cake batter.

Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz's avatar

One of the best nicknames ever.

Karen B. Jones's avatar

So depressing that THIS is the classroom supplies conservative Christians think are important. Not paper, pencils, books, or ipads.

jomicur's avatar

The multitude of books is a great evil. —Martin Luther

NOGODZ20's avatar

To Christians, knowledge is a greater threat than Satan.

jomicur's avatar

It's no accident that they claim all of humanity's woes are the result of Adam and Even eating from the tree of knowledge.

NOGODZ20's avatar

YHVH puts all knowledge in a piece of fruit, hangs it from a magical tree in A&Es presence, then tells the happy couple not to eat from it.

*smacks forehead* Where did Christians ever get the idea that the biblical god was all-wise?

NOGODZ20's avatar

He bragged about creating evil. Where did those very same Christians ever get the idea that their deity was all good?

Nobody's this unquestioning. Oh wait...

Donrox's avatar

And yet, I had a little book called the Lutheran Catechism that I was expected to memorize.

wreck's avatar

Lying George Santos is there supporting lying Donald Trump. I fear that if they get too close together the universe will implode in a singularity of mendacity.

Joan the Dork's avatar

Marjie Traitor-Greene is apparently also in attendance... the bullshit levels in Manhattan must be an order of magnitude above average today.

jomicur's avatar

She was outside Trump Tower earlier, with a bullhorn. Counter-demonstrators showed up with boxes of whistles for the crowd, and every time she tried to talk the whistles drowned her out. How delicious is that?

NOGODZ20's avatar

No Jewish space lasers came to her rescue. :)

cdbunch's avatar

Any self-respecting JSL would be aimed *at* her.

Bob Oz's avatar

It turns out that the whistles were handed out to the crowd by a Trump supporter, wanting to drown out the court proceedings. Delicious !!

Zorginipsoundsor's avatar

Hard to do that from street level when the proceedings are on the fifteenth floor.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Maybe they can be cell mates.

jomicur's avatar

Breaking from CNN: Prosecutor alleges Trump involved in "illegal conspiracy" to undermine the integrity of the 2016 election

From CNN's Lauren Del Valle and Jeremy Herb

Prosecutors alleged former President Donald Trump was a part of an illegal conspiracy to undermine the integrity of the 2016 election.

Prosecutors alleged Trump was part of an unlawful plan to suppress negative information, including an illegal payment of $130,000 that was ordered by the defendant to suppress the negative information that would hurt his campaign.

The reason he committed the crime of falsifying business records was in part to “promote his candidacy,” the prosecutor alleges.

Trump is not charged with criminal conspiracy.

Trump’s voice was measured. He walked in slowly scanning the reporters in the courtroom. He looked at the judge when he was speaking.

NOGODZ20's avatar

"Then it all crashes down. And you break your crown. And you point your finger, but there's no one around. Just want one thing, just to play the king. But the castle crumbled and you're left with just a name. Where's your crown, King Nothing?"

-- Metallica, "King Nothing"

wreck's avatar

His whole life has been a series of illegal conspiracies. He doesn't know how to act any other way.

OwossoHarpist's avatar

"Trump is not charged with criminal conspiracy."

Excuse me, but don't you mean, "Trump IS charged with criminal conspiracy?"

jomicur's avatar

The look on his face when he walked into the courthouse was the loveliest thing I've seen in years. He looked like it was taking all his willpower not to shit his pants.

Joan the Dork's avatar

I'm a 𝘣𝘪𝘨 fan of the expression he's got on sitting at the defense table. I think I'll call it "world's oldest toddler pouts in the time-out corner."

Freodin's avatar

Maybe I'm just bad at reading faces.

As I see it... he just looks like Trump.

He only has two facial expressions: pouting and shouting. Ok, three: smirking. Which he wasn't here. I guess that's a good sign?

NOGODZ20's avatar

Here's hoping that his legal nightmare is just beginning. He has several pending indictments. :)

jomicur's avatar

And I have to agree with all the analysts who've said that all the others are even stronger than this one.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Especially interested in the case against Trump by Letitia James, where the shit is set to hit the fan in early October (she's still gathering evidence to make sure Orange Slime doesn't squirm his way out).

Lynn James's avatar

Slime is slippery. He has slithered out of trouble so often before. As much as I'd love to celebrate this arraignment, I won't feel safe until the jury finds him guilty on all counts and the prison doors slam in his orange shit face.

jomicur's avatar

So far, at least, all those widespread riots he wanted to see aren't happening. The day is still young, but so far so good.

NOGODZ20's avatar

He thinks he's still the president and that he still has the power and popularity he did. He's sadly mistaken.

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

Since drumpster hate women and people of color I can't wait for this indictment.

jomicur's avatar

From the Guardian 5 min. ago: According to the statement of facts from the Manhattan district attorney’s office, the parent company of the National Enquirer, American Media, Inc, at one point bought a story about Donald Trump fathering a child out of wedlock.

So the bastard had a bastard. Runs in the family, eh?

cdbunch's avatar

Probably the luckiest of his offspring, even if zir mother was a poverty-stricken sex worker.

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

I would be shocked if he conceived only one.

Zorginipsoundsor's avatar

I wonder how many abortions he has paid for.

Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz's avatar

Personally? Probably none. He gets someone else to pay for him.

jomicur's avatar

Trump left the courthouse without making any kind of statement to the press. When has he EVER kept his mouth shut before? There's speculation the judge may have imposed a gag order, which will keep him from making any direct statements about what happened in court OR making any more threats to the prosecutors. He's holding a press conference at 8:15 tonight, so we'll see.

Joan the Dork's avatar

I'm going with "lil' Donny got his fee-fees hurt and was afraid he'd cry if he tried to talk about it." I don't think there's a gag order in existence that could keep that fool quiet without, y'know, an 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭 gag being involved.

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

drumpster obeying ? Did his caretakers triple his dose of tranquillisers ?

cdbunch's avatar

I doubt a gag order will keep him from lamenting how put upon he is, how it's so unfair, and he didn't do anything wrong.

He doesn't listen to anyone else, why do you think he would listen to a judge?

jomicur's avatar

If the judge actually did issue a gag order, I imagine he did it by way of giving Trump even more rope to hang himself with. Either way, it'll be lots of fun to watch. I haven't enjoyed myself so much since Reagan kicked the bucket.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Bet his fingers are itching like crazy because he wants the twit wants to tweet.

cdbunch's avatar

I thought he used Truth these days rather than Twitter. Or did Elon give him a Xmas present?

NOGODZ20's avatar

For me, "tweeting" is just any form of social media rather than a specific brand. :)

Matri's avatar

Elon unbanned him months ago, remember?

cdbunch's avatar

I pay little attention to Elon and even less to Twitter.

Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz's avatar

Has he gone back and used it?

NOGODZ20's avatar

I think he still posts on his own Troth Senchal.

(Hey, that's what Orangey called it) :)

cdbunch's avatar

I want an orange jumpsuit, but I'm sure he'll get house arrest with SS agent guards.

jomicur's avatar

Careful. When I read "SS" my first thought was of the Third Reich.

cdbunch's avatar

If they didn't join him, they'd be more appropriate guards.

wreck's avatar

tRump's Secret Service Detail. Worst. Job. Ever.

cdbunch's avatar

Must take a huge amount of integrity to actually protect the life of that piece of shit, rather than step to the side and pull a Sargent Schultz.

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

How much he will charge them this time ?

Donrox's avatar

Well, they had to spend the night in Trump Tower, so that is the start of the bill to taxpayers.

Matri's avatar

Four years' worth of weekend golfing trips.

I don't think he has ever missed a SINGLE weekend of golf.

Val Uptuous NotAgain's avatar

A Trump appointed judge has stayed the Tennessee law banning drag shows, calling it unconstitutional breech of the first amendment. This and the chaplain law may face the same fate.

The USA was built to not have Lords, I do not recognize this being as my lord or god.

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

How are the elections going for you ?

Here voting is only on Sunday so it's hard to keep up with the way US do it.

Val Uptuous NotAgain's avatar

I was able to vote and took my eldest child. My hubs got in first thing this morning, I did it after work. We didn’t have much line, the presidential election usually does have a line all day. The media was worried about the storms passing through keeping folks from the polls.

I’m not watching the results right now, my blood pressure can’t take it. I’ll see in the morning how things turned out. I’m a little pissed off about how the local news stations have promoted Kelly for the Supreme Court considering how he was involved in the insurrection and big lie. The man was appointed to the court but couldn’t hold onto the seat for a reason. The news keeps putting people on saying they support him because the court needs someone to be impartial and not come in with an opinion already. But Kelly has shown himself as corrupt.

Anyway, I did my part, there’s not much more I can do besides hope it comes out the right way.

Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz's avatar

"there’s not much more I can do "

What? You can't do ballot harvesting, or dropping off boxes of bamboo filled ballots late at night, gathering up all your dead friends and relatives to vote, drive busses full of illegal immigrants, etc?

Guerillasurgeon's avatar

What is it about the US and long queues for voting? Why???????????????

ericc's avatar

Because one of the parties wants to actively make voting difficult. So they reduce the number of voting stations whenever they can. They restrict hours for early voting, and eliminate mail-in voting when they can. They attempt to create 'poll taxes' only the 'tax' nowadays comes in the form of identification and registration hoops you have to jump through weeks or months before you're allowed to vote. They are currently attempting to deny 18-21 year old college students the right to vote, on the grounds that these young folk don't actually live where they reside 9 months out of each year (the Universities support this charade. Heaven forbid they're not allowed to charge out of state tuition fees to someone who lives in the state 9 months out of each year).

They do this, because when most citizens of legal age vote they tend to lose, but if only wealthy, prosperous people will the requisite free time and effort on their hands vote, they tend to win. So making it harder for folks to vote helps them win.

But here's the real kicker: since the folks in charge of voting rules are the legislature and the the head of the executive organization in charge of implementing voting rules is typically either elected or appointed by the governor, that means that in the US it is those very parties themselves that decide on voting rules and enforce them.

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

What a mess. DM and me received the forms to register as voters a few months after we moved in (legal wait) and we receive new voting cards every three or four years.

Guerillasurgeon's avatar

Jesus! I like to think it couldn't happen here. We have a commission to decide boundaries. I dunno how the number of polling places is decided but it's uncontroversial. But opinions are hardening all over. Calcifying as someone put it. So, who knows..................

Mr.E's avatar

the votes are just starting to come in. Janet Protasiewicz has a slight lead so far.

Mr.E's avatar

UPDATE. NBC is Projecting that Janet Protasiewicz has beat Daniel Kelly

NOGODZ20's avatar

She won. Poor Rev. Dulli. Too bad for him.

No, really. I might shed tears for him. :S

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

For all Wisconsin women I hope it's true.

Val Uptuous NotAgain's avatar

Also for the health of the country. Abortion wasn’t the only issue on the line, election security, gerrymandering an important swing state and so much more.

Mr.E's avatar

with less then half a million votes left to count and a 150 thousand vote lead I think she is pretty safe.

jomicur's avatar

So they're going to put up graven images that advise "Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven images.." Brilliant, just fucking brilliant. Or is an image of the Ten Commandments tablets not an image in Christ-land?

Matri's avatar

Christian graven images are exempt.

Just like Christian rapists, Christian murderers, and Christian thieves are exempt from Hell.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Dear Texass...

a) Those laws were meant for the Chosen People and the Chosen People only. Unless you are Jewish, they have nothing to do with you.

b) That list was never called the 10 Commandments. Hell, that list was smashed by Moses and never used.

c) Want to put up the real 10 Commandments? Look to the list found in Exodus 34 and actually CALLED the 10 Commandments in Verse 28. They bear little resemblance to your list and they specifically refer to celebrating Jewish festivals.

Not that any of that matters. These bills are strictly unconstitutional and would be struck down at the federal level. So hope you're ready for lawsuits by the FFRF, Americans United for Separation of Church and State, American Atheists, etc.

EDIT I see Troublesh00ter already beat me to that lawsuit sentiment.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Getting in original comments to articles that have already been up for hours is haaaaaard.