246 Comments

Great idea! After the next school shooting the chaplain will be able to dispense officially sanctioned thoughts and prayers right on the scene. Brilliant!

Expand full comment

But are they the right flavor of Thoughts & Prayers™? Can't go administering Cool Ranch when they're a Spicy Crayfish¹. And that's after you get the plain/wavy/ridges/kettle/baked scisms sorted out.

(¹ Yep, it's a thing: https://www.bokksumarket.com/products/lays-potato-chips-spicy-crayfish)

Expand full comment

A chip all laymen will enjoy.

Expand full comment

As well as giving last rites.

Expand full comment

So a Jewish kid with problems will go to see this counselor and be told that his issues are purely because he's a "Christ-killing heathen," I suppose.

Expand full comment

Don't forget "christian babies eater".

Expand full comment

And being a member of the ethnic group that imposed jazz music and rigged the 1919 World Series.

That was in Henry Ford's "Dearborn Independent."

Expand full comment

I would have guessed klezmer. Who knew! 😉

Expand full comment

We could also have Eric Cartman from "South Park" as the chaplain...it would be hilarious.

Expand full comment

He's so very pro-Jew....just ask Kyle. 😁

Expand full comment

Yes, but his mother had to ground him after he led those marchers down South Park's main street, chanting "Wir mussen die Juden ausrotten!"

Expand full comment

Oh, he'd 'respect my authoritah' every kid. And Kyle, like Token, would only put up with so much. It's Butters that's really going to take the abuse.

Which has a real world parallel. It's not the stronger-willed or self-confident non-Christian teens that will get the worst from the Christian volunteer chaplains. It's the insecure and vulnerable teens...of any religion. Those are the targets these predators are looking for.

Expand full comment

Still stuffed in the glovebox of my 55 Ford Fairlane Crown Vic.

Expand full comment

"Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord...

"He is tearing down the alley in a black-and-yellow Ford..."

Expand full comment

been reading up on that 1959 Baltimore Catechism again, I see. Good times.

Expand full comment

Sales of that book has certainly kept that publisher going for more than half a century.

Expand full comment

They banned it not long after I got it, back in the day. They told little kids that the Jews killed Jesus.

Expand full comment

They've been doing that for only 1,900 years.

Expand full comment

That's the elephant in the room they want to hide. If Yeshu was the real deal, why are there still Jews. Weren't they convinced?

Expand full comment

Well, I'm dealing with Christians on another line who spout "Free Will," but then say "Without God, there is no Morality," so I guess that dichotomy has something to do with it.

On the other hand, "The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion" and Henry Ford's "Dearborn Independent" tell us that the Jews are "servants of Satan."

So the world is going to Hell and run by the Devil......

Expand full comment

Conservative Christians tend to see their religion as the solution to every problem, and do so while ignoring their own history. Do they think all the horrors perpetrated by Christians in the name of Christianity didn't actually happen? Do they think it will be different this time? There are far too many people who have deluded themselves into believing if they just hang the word Christian on something it has instant credibility. If kids want to talk to a member of the clergy, why can't they do so in church?

Expand full comment

How many of you were raised christians ? How many ditched the faith they grew up with ?

Fundamentalists ministers/preachers/priests... are not total idiots. They saw the number of faithfuls (and the money) dwindle. Since they can't be wrong on any social issue*, their only solution is more religion forced on children in the hope it takes.

* 🙄

Expand full comment

Me, I could not get away fast enough! Fortunately my parents were not too invested in it. But we still had to go to church.

Expand full comment

They are fighting a rear-guard battle they will ultimately lose. They are attempting to accomplish through the courts and legislatures what they have failed to accomplish from their pulpits.

Expand full comment

Trying to patch a leaking dam with fancy decorative paper instead of ugly concrete.

Expand full comment

Decorated with Lead paint.

Expand full comment

In about third grade, I had a 'bulls*t notebook; on of the black marble books from the 60s. I wrote everything I decided was moronic in it. Love to have kept it. Mostly RC stuff.

Expand full comment

Like George Carlin, the age of reason.

Expand full comment

Most Christians don't study the history of the Christian Church, or they're pretending all the Bad Stuffᵀᴹ was done by some other flavor of 'Christian' who Had It Wrongᵀᴹ anyway. Their own personal brand of Christian would never have done any such thing! /s

In all seriousness, the cognitive dissonance is practically an art form. I still distinctly recall my mother telling me about loving the sinner but hating the sin, then turning around and absolutely hating the LGBTQ+ and claiming she didn't have to deal with them. She never saw the conflict there, but I sure did; I've often wondered where I'd be now if I'd preferred women instead of being a very boring cis. I honestly think sometimes that religious fundamentalism should be treated as mental illness for this reason.

Expand full comment

The bad things are always attributed to people who were not TRUE Christians. As a rule, churches tend to actively discourage people from studying religious history.

Expand full comment

Likely very fucked up and figuring out relationships in your 40s or 50s after you came out in your late 20s or early 30s.

Expand full comment

Inevitably these FL shamans will prescribe a regimen of daily fifteen minutes of exorcise for all students. Followed by a cool down period of shake, rattle, and roll.

“I Said Shake Rattle And Roll,

I Said Shake Rattle And Roll,

I Said Shake Rattle And Roll,

I Said Shake Rattle And Roll;

You Never Do Nothin'

To Save Your Doggone Soul.” - Bill Halley & His Comets, ‘Shake, Rattle and Roll’

Expand full comment

During the 1979-1980 hostage crisis, I did this gag:

“I am Sheikh Rat-el en-Roll, Chief Adviser to Ayatollah Rock-n-Rollah.”

Expand full comment

That gag sent all kinds of Dervishes a swirling.

Expand full comment

I used it to respond to Nigerian 419ers, saying the "Ayatollah" was prepared to provide the money if the 419er would send a photo of himself holding up a piece of paper that said "Owha ta goo seiam."

Expand full comment

And six lords a leaping.

Expand full comment
Feb 8·edited Feb 8

I’m building a playlist of songs that mention religion, souls, gods, etc. (“Losing My Religion”, “Jesus Loves Me But He Can’t Stand You”). Adding that one.

Everyone: I’m open to suggestions. Any genre is fine. Any religion too. I have The Hallelujah Chorus in the playlist too.

Expand full comment

Genesis, Jesus he knows me (or something like that)

Roger Waters, What God Wants

Concrete Blonde, God is a Bullet

Queen, Jesus

Black Sabbath, Heaven and Hell.

Steve Vai, For the love of God.

Ghost, Bible

Ministry, Jesus built my hotrod.

The Pretty Reckless, Heaven Knows

Plenty of Rush songs

Expand full comment

Jethro Tull:

My God

Hymn 43

Expand full comment

The Feederz "jesus entering from the rear" sums it up nicely 😂

Expand full comment

‘Let The Mystery Be’ by Iris Dement.

Expand full comment
Feb 9·edited Feb 9

One of Us - Joan Osborne

Send Me An Angel - Real Life

Expand full comment

God is a DJ, Pink

Do Bad Well, KSHMR

Angel with a Shotgun, The Cab

God Thinks, Votaire (And a number of his other works)

Wish I Had an Angel, Nightwish

An Angel Came Down, Trans Siberian Orchestra (Fair warning, they gravitate toward Christmas music, so a lot of their work qualifies, but I think it's good and I hate Christmas music.)

All That You Have is Your Soul, Tracy Chapman

Rivers of Babylon, Boney M

Estimated Prophet, The Grateful Dead

Expand full comment

"Just Like You" -- Monster on Sunday

Expand full comment

Faith + one - Eric Cartman

Expand full comment

‘Singularity’ , Bright Eyes, Album: The People Key

I think this could be part of the liturgical hymnal of Accelerationism.

Expand full comment

“𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑒𝑛𝑠 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑛 𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑑𝑣𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑎 𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑙 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑡ℎ 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑟?”

It does happen, however it’s less likely to be harmful advice, or will be less likely to happen than if it came from Joe Schmoe ordained chaplain from the Church of Perpetual Profits, with a PhD from the school of Hard Knocks. Many Christian sects have zero requirements for education to become a preacher/pastor/minister/clergy, they just say things like “God called me and I answered.” What will they know about providing counseling to angsty teens in crisis. Many of their own children are abused, or rebelling because their go to source material has no bearing whatsoever with reality, let alone modern life. It sets up children to become victims, constantly telling followers not to think, not to question authorities, not to trust their own gut feelings, and certainly not to be educated. And that’s before you get into the whole child bride, child molesting, look the other way, ignore, excuse, celebrate confessions of whitewashed versions of what happened, and never ever do anything that would make authorities aware these people are not trustworthy around children. Background checks, forsooth.

What could possibly go wrong?

Expand full comment

Dead students. Which seems to be the point. 'Live' fetuses matter. Breathing children are canon fodder for their war of conformity.

Expand full comment

George said it best.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkMbMidsYIM

Expand full comment

He chased half the audience in CO Springs with this intro. And then when they left he said, "good, now we can have some fun".

Expand full comment

They’re too young to vote Republican and have no money to give to the church, so they’re expendable. They can always have the parents make more kids anyway.

*spits*

Expand full comment
Feb 8·edited Feb 9

"It's very simple, little Billy. It's all evolution's fault."

Expand full comment
Feb 8·edited Feb 8

"The world is flat, everyone is depraved, take two goats and call me in the morning."

Expand full comment

“What happens when our children receive the wrong advice from a mental health counselor?”

What are the odds she thinks that "wrong advice" is that it is ok for a trans kid to be trans?

Expand full comment

It's not just the trans teens, it's all LGBTQ2IAA teens.

Expand full comment

Of course. It's just going to start with the trans kids, because they are the easiest for the NSGOP to bully.

Expand full comment

How not to care for children:

"Counselor, my parents beat me with a stick."

"Is the stick smaller around than their thumb?'

Expand full comment

And the pogrom against LGBT teenagers continues. That's not even an extra benefit for these murderous assholes. It's a core goal.

Expand full comment

The cruelty is the point. If they’re not being cruel to anyone, then they feel their life has no meaning.

Expand full comment

When they start using the word "alternative" to describe something, you know it's both cockamamie and ineffective.

Expand full comment

What, again? And Florida, of course. Here's something else, too: it's likely that NO ONE promoting this travesty of a bill will tell you that the chaplains who would take on this responsibility are UNTRAINED. My guess is that the very fact that they are chaplains – men and women of the cloth – is supposed to seem to be sufficient qualification for the children of the Sunshine State. [insert facepalm!]

Once again, I'm hoping that there are enough aware parents in Florida who hear this and respond as they damned well should: with anger and outrage and a desire to act against this blunt stupidity. One can only hope...

Expand full comment

They sincerely believe that their Bible holds all the knowledge of the universe! So of course they believe these c̴h̴a̴r̴l̴a̴t̴a̴n̴s̴ ̴ chaplains are overqualified for every job in existence.

Expand full comment

"All the knowledge of the universe." [chuckle] I'd love to see them cite where the bible talks about physics or chemistry in a manner that is actually APPLICABLE in the modern day.

Don't hold your breath...

Expand full comment

Neither it mentions any vehicle with a motor.

Expand full comment

The universe? Teh bibel doesn't even mention other planets within our own solar system. Heck, it doesn't mention the term "solar system."

Expand full comment

“Solar system” puts the sun at the centre where all the planets revolve around it.

The Bible is the one that says everything in the entire universe revolves around the Earth.

Expand full comment

Pardon me, I made a grab for my temper, and apparently, I missed.

I do not appreciate the way these bills are painting targets on the backs of children for the purpose of impressing a gullible base. Churches have never been required to report crimes against children in their care, and now you want to put these same abusers in schools as well? You'll have MORE school shootings, not less. The staggering level of reality denial here borders on mental illness. I wish there were a way to make these lawmakers actually live in the sort of school environment they're creating for kids, somehow that seems like it would at least be fair(ish).

Expand full comment

Christians keep proving that they NOT pro-life.

Expand full comment
Feb 8·edited Feb 8

Here's an interesting thought...

1. Volunteer counselors made mandatory reporters.

2. Chaplain becomes volunteer counselor.

3. Kid goes to school counselor, complains of child abuse at the chaplain's home church.

4. Chaplain must now legally report such abuse to authorities or be held criminally liable.

->End of 'seal of confession' defense for chaplains volunteering in schools.

->Chaplains ordered by their parishes/bishops NOT to volunteer as school counselors.

Expand full comment

Sneaky!

Expand full comment
Feb 8·edited Feb 8

Best not to mention it until after the FL GOP passes the bill. Otherwise, they'll amend it to get rid of mandatory reporting. Because, oh please won't somebody think of the Chaplains.

Expand full comment

I AM thinking of the chaplains ... as potential defendants in a class-action lawsuit!

Expand full comment

The lawmakers must really want those lawsuits that will come from this.

Expand full comment

Lawyers need work, right? 😇

Expand full comment
Feb 8·edited Feb 8

I’m a member of the clergy in the Universal Life Church. Maybe I’ll volunteer as a chaplain.

I also have a Doctorate of Divinity that I got online by answering a couple of questions and paying two dollars.

Expand full comment

Ooh, where'd the DD come from?

Expand full comment
Feb 9·edited Feb 9

I don’t remember.

ETA: This isn’t what I did but hey, it’s a DD.

https://www.ulc.org/minister-store/doctor-of-divinity-degree

Expand full comment

I knew a girl with DD and she experienced severe back problems; got reduced.

Expand full comment

I and the ex were married by a friend of a friend who is a member also. My niece did the same so she could officiate at her sister’s wedding. She wrote a pope hat for the ceremony. 😂

Expand full comment

Only a matter of time before some Republican or another pitches the idea of allowing graduation from a seminary as a teaching qualification.

Expand full comment

“Can you read?”

“Barely.”

“You’re hired!”

Expand full comment
Feb 8·edited Feb 9

"You ever work with animals?"

"I stepped in some horseshit once."

"Good, you're in charge."

Expand full comment

Or elected in the case of a racist Georgian scum.

Expand full comment