122 Comments
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Val Uptuous NotAgain's avatar

In his worldview there’s no options at all. You must get married, no staying single for anyone. You must marry opposite sex, no LGBT people exist. You must have children, health concerns might be considered but usually ignored, your desires are immaterial. You must remain married no matter what, not just a lack of happiness, but even if there’s physical abuse and adultery*, these are not excuses. Anyone who does not comply with these orders are the worst sort of sinners and in league with the devil, who is apparently Babylonian for some reason.

Look, if getting married is that bad, gentlemen, don’t do it. Stop with the whole “take my wife, please” and “ball and chain” bs. It’s ok if you choose a partner that makes you happy at the time and then after a while doesn’t, you can kindly divorce.

We have already dealt with the whole double standard for pastor blubber to be demanding a svelt trophy wife. It’s disgusting.

Let’s also remember that marriage is an overall benefit to men and overall detriment to women. Men who are married live longer than single men, they make more money than single men and they’re seen as more responsible to employers than single men. The opposite is true for married vs single women. Add in children and the differences are larger. It makes sense that men like this preach against divorce, they wouldn’t last a week on their own. (Yes, men usually don’t break up with their significant others, no matter how miserable they are, until they already have someone else to go to. Whereas women tend to stay independent after a breakup.)

*Adultery is the woman’s fault and she deserves to be second fiddle to a better mistress, but if she cheats on him he should be able punish her by leaving her alone and destitute. Physical abuse against wives is only condemned when it is obvious the abuse killed her, otherwise someone somewhere else has it worse and she is lucky to have a man.

CageGirl's avatar

When I just couldn't take my ex-husband anymore, I moved out for a 'trial separation.' (My bad. I'd never lived on my own before, and was really scared. I knew I wanted a divorce, but lied to everyone, including myself, about it because it felt safer to have a fall-back if I couldn't hack it on my own.) Two weeks after I moved out, my husband told me he'd wait for me for as long as it took. Four weeks after that, he told me he'd met someone and wanted to 'pursue it.' I had no desire to be trying to fix our relationship while he was simultaneously trying to build a new one, so I requested a divorce.

It was, in all honesty, the best 'gift' he could have given me. But that didn't stop my best friend from coming up with a saying that she and I use to this day, 20 years later:

"I'll wait for you forever, or until the milk expires."

regmeyer's avatar

Or run out of clean clothes, the other excuse.

Ward Chanley's avatar

"You must marry opposite sex, no LGBT people exist"

Oh, we very likely exist, in dude's worldview. (You're going to want *somebody* to scapegoat when blaming your personal issues on "unattractive" women starts to run out of gas.)

Edit: not for nothing, but dude's obsession with women he's decided are "too butch" is a pretty telling admission, here.

regmeyer's avatar

They get him excited for what he considers are all the wrong reasons.

Ward Chanley's avatar

I mean, I don't want to read *too* much into what he's saying, here, necessarily, but sure, it's possible.

Joan the Dork's avatar

"Too butch..."

"This atmosphere has too much air in it"

"This water has too much wet in it"

"This souffle has too much egg in it"

"This sex has too much orgasm in it"

There are some things you *can't* have too much of.

CageGirl's avatar

" ... [Divorce is] part of the Babylonian scheme to break down the family."

and

"I have a friend. He has put a “divorce weight” on his wife! That’s how important this is!"

Contradiction much, there, Pastor Asshole?

larry parker's avatar

Good catch. If it wasn't contradictory, it wouldn't be biblical.

RegularJoe's avatar

Um.....I'm gonna play one of my Mysterious Ways cards......

Joan the Dork's avatar

"[Divorce is] part of the Babylonian scheme to break down the family."

Well, at least they're not blaming The Gays this time.

larry parker's avatar

Little known fact, The Babylonians were all gay. That's why they are not around anymore. : )

Joe King's avatar

He's a bit out of date. The Babylonians were pretty much done about 300 years before the big J showed up.

Joan the Dork's avatar

Hey, if they want to hate on a long-defunct ancient civilization, no problem- if they'd just leave the *living* alone for a while, that would be great. Some dusty old bones quietly fossilizing out in the desert somewhere won't be troubled by the attention.

RegularJoe's avatar

How about the Babylon Sisters? They've been shakin' it since at least '80.

https://youtu.be/qBdv_tqVqkw

Guerilla Surgeon's avatar

You sure these Babylonians aren't gay Babylonians? They're the most dangerous kind of Babylonian – or of gay.

CorporalKlinger's avatar

Babylonian gays are the worst!

cdbunch's avatar

Brian and Justin would disagree.

Maltnothops's avatar

Hard to believe he is down on Babylonians when “baby” is right there in there name. And we know his type loves babies. From the moment of conception right up 7ntil the age of consent.

Grumpy Grimnir's avatar

Fat dude thinks women shouldn't eat wedding cake because they might get fat? People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

And christian marriage isn't about being happy? Sounds like a good excuse for god-free marriage to me.

Judith Bandsma's avatar

If looking like Melania keeps your partner from straying, how did Melania keep that from happening?

Judith Bandsma's avatar

Sorry for the wording...how did Melania herself not keep that from happening?

Val Uptuous NotAgain's avatar

Well, you see the woman needs to be way more hot and $exy than the man or else he will always $tray. So, she couldn’t keep him loyal because he was $o much better looking than her.

CageGirl's avatar

I'm amazed you were able to type that without your keyboard exploding. I know I threw up in my mouth a little bit when I read it.

regmeyer's avatar

Making sure in the pre-nup that such actions would lead to breaking him.

Aloha's avatar

Or even Jennifer Aniston losing Brad Pitt. I certainly will never be as beautiful as her.

This could be a fun thread ... ways to keep your partner faithful without hot looks:

a. Excellent handy-woman skills

b. Good in the sack

c. Consistent Cheeto purchases

d. True love???

Val Uptuous NotAgain's avatar

It’s too bad I can’t contribute to the thread, I don’t fit the parameters. I am that hot.

/s

Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz's avatar

Ice Cream Cake from Dairy Queen

Val Uptuous NotAgain's avatar

I need it to keep me from burnin up.

regmeyer's avatar

This leads me to thoughts of it melting and where.

regmeyer's avatar

Being a total slave to his desires, never contesting his decisions

Aloha's avatar

Aha! Break yourself and break him as well.

That one works every time!

larry parker's avatar

Melania made a mistake and got pregnant. /s

Akira625's avatar

He wants miserable couples to languish in a dead marriages for the rest of their lives? To what end, for the children? That’s a terrible reason to stay together. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and I eventually learned, albeit with great difficulty, that not all marriages can be saved.

And what the hell does Babylon, a long-dead culture, have anything to do with divorce?

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

The only thing I can think off is the "whore of Babylon" from the apocalypse book, he wouldn't be the first or the last to not be able to understand his book.

regmeyer's avatar

It makes it so much easier if they can't fight back and contradict you.

Ward Chanley's avatar

Nothing says "I love you" like telling your SO they're a "participation trophy."

Jared Atkinson's avatar

I guess divorce is ok if the wife gains weight, since he didn’t condemn his “friend’s” opinion.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Since others here have pointed out the hypocrisy of Pastor Fat Bastard telling women they should lose weight, I'll go with this:

Hey, Clark: "Babylonian scheme/strategy?" Christians did not invent marriage nor do they own it. And in the many kinds of biblical marriage (as illustrated by America's Best Christian Betty Bowers), marriage was about property.

Oh, and your concept of the 'family' is a conceit of your religion. There is no one kind of family and there never has been. "Father Knows Best" and "Leave it to Beaver" were fantasies, not documentaries.

cdbunch's avatar

At least until Wanda Maximoff came around.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Wanda figures big in the upcoming "Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness."

Seems Stephen is going to need major league help.

Zorginipsoundsor's avatar

How Ted Koppel’s trip to ‘Mayberry’ turned into one of 2021’s most striking moments of TV

“People looking back at that program seem to confuse the program with what reality was like in those days, wishing that we could only restore some of the good feelings, some of the kindness, some of the decency,” Koppel said in an interview. “But what they’re really reflecting on is not what was going on in a particular North Carolina community. What they’re reflecting on is what was going on in the creative minds of a bunch of scriptwriters out in Hollywood.”

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/how-ted-koppel-e2-80-99s-trip-to-e2-80-98mayberry-e2-80-99-turned-into-one-of-2021-e2-80-99s-most-striking-moments-of-tv/ar-AASezHP?ocid=uxbndlbing

NOGODZ20's avatar

The woman wore pearls to do the dishes. On the other hand, she knew how to speak Jive. :)

John Wallach's avatar

He has some nerve to talk about losing weight with that paunch of his.

regmeyer's avatar

When he looks in the mirror he sees only the muscular body he thinks he has, as a pastor he is already easily deluded.

wreck's avatar

Pastor Bagodonuts.

User's avatar
Comment deleted
Jan 4, 2022
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Val Uptuous NotAgain's avatar

A little while ago I was following a pun group along with Vagina Devil Magic on Facebook and some neckbeard incel posted something that I mistook at first for an adult themed pun.

“A woman’s vagina doesn’t have nerve endings along the top so they can’t really feel a large penis. Their opinion of size is based on word of mouth.”

The obvious oral sex joke aside, since it wasn’t intentional, this is what passes as knowledge in these types of circles. It’s nearly true, it almost makes sense, but it’s so pathetically wrong. He further implied women don’t have orgasms from penetrative sex and blah blah blah. Dude, just because you can’t please a woman, doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

Matri's avatar

Fuck you, SubstandardStack.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Won't be long before we can switch over to OnlySky and moon Substack on our way out.

Mr.E's avatar

the only thing I have to say to both of you is be careful what you wish for.

NOGODZ20's avatar

If OnlySky makes the same mistakes, they won't be in existence for very long. People simply won't be willing to put up with it.

BTII's avatar

Jesus hated divorce but said nothing about homosexuality. The Old Testament condemned gays in Sodom and Gomorrah for not showing hospitality, while Deuteronomy 22:28-29 condoned rape as long as the rapist married his victim. Jesus also told his followers to ignore the old Mosaic laws (Old Covenant) but didn't clarify which ones. It's confusing. to us non-Christians, but there you have it....It's confusing to Christians too.

NOGODZ20's avatar

In Matthew 5:17-18, the imaginary Jesus was written to have said he did not come to abolish either the Old Law or the Prophets. He said that he came to fulfill them and that until heaven and earth passed away, not the smallest letter or stroke of the pen would by any means disappear from the Old Law "until everything is accomplished" (meaning his return to set up his kingdom).

Heaven doesn't doesn't exist, the earth is still here and Jesus has yet to make his return. So according to scripture, followers of Jesus are still operating under the Old Law. Bally confusin', isn't it?

User's avatar
Comment deleted
Jan 4, 2022
Comment deleted
CageGirl's avatar

And if you can't find something overt, just pick one of the vague passages that could mean anything and co-opt that one for the cause!

CorporalKlinger's avatar

And if you can't find something in one of the vague passages, just make shit up!

regmeyer's avatar

This will all be corrected in the new testament of drump.

Zorginipsoundsor's avatar

The OT didn't condemn the gays in Sodom and Gomorrah for not showing hospitality; it condemned everyone in those two cities for inhospitality. Even the unborn who weren't capable of sinning.

regmeyer's avatar

They did it that way on purpose so that it would always support what the readers wanted.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Is Clark deliberately going out of his way to make Christianity as unappealing as possible? No wonder the religion is shrinking in America.

Want to be happy? Stay as far away from Christianity...indeed, all religion...as possible.

Joe King's avatar

Is he going out of his way? Maybe. Does he need to? Nope.

Aloha's avatar

I wonder if he'd stand by that advice when one partner lost their faith? Will he still think that a good Christian should continue living with an atheist? Raising children with a non-believer?

What would he say if one partner came out as trans? Or perhaps even worse, as liberal and woke?

GrandmascienCe's avatar

Because he's such a HUNK! :P

Matri's avatar

Goddammit, there goes ANOTHER sarcasm meter...

RegularJoe's avatar

You left off the initial "C".

cdbunch's avatar

Don't compare Sloth's only friend to this piece of shit.

NOGODZ20's avatar

Clark derides pagan things, despite the fact that his religion has been plagiarizing earlier beliefs for millennia. Here's a huge site illustrating just how big a thief Christianity is:

https://www.seiyaku.com/customs/pagan-symbols.html

Black Hole and DM mourner's avatar

In catholics countries, most early christianity saints are either invented or minor/local pagan deities recycled.