Virginia church publicly shames unwed mother, then forbids her from having a baby shower

After her tearful apology, the pastor insisted, "When you have a baby out of wedlock, ain’t no baby showers. Nobody at this church better attend one."

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The internet is rightly outraged after a pastor had a young woman get up in front of the congregation and apologize for getting pregnant out of wedlock. After she made her brief statement, the pastor added that she didn’t deserve a baby shower and told the church crowd not to attend one in secret.

The only thing missing was Pastor Terry W. Jackson putting a scarlet letter around the woman’s neck.

The shameful incident occurred Sunday at True Vine Apostolic Church of Christ in Hampton, Virginia and was livestreamed on Facebook (around the 1:10:00 mark).

JACKSON: Before we go any further, Sister Miles’ daughter want to approach the church at this time, in Jesus’ name. Come on, sister...

GIRL: Praise the Lord of Saints.

JACKSON: Stand right in front of the congregation…

GIRL: I wanna apologize to everybody in here because I am pregnant… I’m sorry, y’all. I just hope that [you will] all forgive me [and] pray for me.

[Applause]

JACKSON: … The church is praying for you. We ain’t gonna condone your sin now. We ain’t gonna do that. Ain’t no baby showers going on. That’s what you lose out in… When you have a baby out of wedlock, ain’t no baby showers. Nobody at this church better attend one. Mama shouldn’t have one, neither. You gotta take care of your granddaughter, but you can’t condone sin. Gonna have no private baby shower. Can’t have no baby shower. You lose all the prize and glory. You lose all of that. You just lose all of that. Thank God that God didn’t take you out of here.

I don’t know what’s more disturbing: The fact that this church had the girl apologize to the congregation for something that’s none of their business or the fact that they kept the livestream going while she did it.

While the woman’s name and age weren’t mentioned during the service—some online commenters insist she’s a legal adult and not a child—it wasn’t hard to find the family online, and the woman’s mother quickly defended the church’s actions. She told critics in a now-deleted post that they were “interrupting my peace and… causing more damage than good.” She added that her daughter “willingly approached the congregation” and wasn’t “forced or manipulated” to do it.

The internet, however, begs to differ.

Commenters online equated this church to a cult, said this represented the “WORST of church culture,” and insisted the pastor’s actions made them want to “b*rn every church DOWN.” One commenter said his mother was forced to do something similar 40 years ago and that “some things never change.”

They definitely didn’t believe she did this willingly regardless of what she said, because the element of coercion is always very powerful in a church setting. Sure, she technically apologized on her own, but it’s not hard to imagine the pressure she faced. (And what about the pressure she undoubtedly faces now to get married before that baby is born?)

Then there’s the double standard. It shouldn’t be lost on anyone that this woman was shamed for being pregnant out of wedlock but we know nothing whatsoever about the guy who impregnated her. How come he didn’t have to apologize to the church? How come the men in the church aren’t stepping up to the microphone to confess their sins? If all Christians are sinners, why does this “sin” require a public apology?

The irony is that she wouldn’t have been publicly shamed if she quietly had an abortion instead. By subjecting her to embarrassment and making an example out of her, the message this church is sending is that young women are better off ending their pregnancies rather than keeping those fetuses if the circumstances aren’t perfect.

This whole incident also shows you the problem with religious “morality.” The people in this church aren’t more moral than everyone else, but they sure as hell want to act like it. That’s why they’re saving their wrath for someone whose “sin” is visible. And this church is hardly alone in that thinking.

That’s why many churches say being gay isn’t necessarily a problem, but being in a same-sex relationship (which people will notice) is.

That’s why televangelists can scam people out of money behind the scenes while acting pious in front of the camera.

That’s why guys like Ted Haggard had to resign from the National Association of Evangelicals after his sex scandal but televangelists who inflict abuse outside of the spotlight can stay in their positions for years.

We shouldn’t expect the woman in the video to speak out against any of this. That’s why it’s up to the rest of us to speak out on behalf of others who may one day be in her position. (By all accounts, she’s not upset about what the church did, which is why no one needs to host a baby shower for her. She doesn’t want one.)

Several years ago, the New York Times published an article about a girl who attended a Christian school, got pregnant, and was told she couldn’t attend graduation with her classmates. In essence, the school punished her for breaking one rule (abstinence) while sending a clear message that she would not have been punished for breaking a different one (abortion). She also ended up announcing her pregnancy to her classmates “during an emotional session in the school auditorium.”

That’s horrifying and absolutely unnecessary. And yet, even after all of that, that student wrote an essay defending her decision to keep the baby and offering only a mild rebuke to school officials for what they did. She went on to attend a fundamentalist Christian college.

All that’s to say: This story isn’t even about the woman at the center of attention. It’s about the church. It’s about the hypocrisy and shame and needless cruelty that religion can bring about. It’s a reminder that dogma can always get in the way of decency.

One more thing: Apparently, a man confronted the pastor about this controversy during a service earlier this week. I don’t believe that approach helps. The pastor isn’t going to change and having an outsider condemn him in his building will only make him more defensive. I think it’s far more strategic to use this incident as an example of what decent churches should avoid, not waste any time urging this particular place to change.

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